Thursday, 21 January 2010

Things arent quite right. Its a bit weird. But honestly, I cant help the situation at all.
I'm worried. And I shouldnt be worrying so much, but I am. But if you could see it from my point of view, you'd change your mind. My best friend in the whole wide world, betrayed me so badly, I cannot find forgiveness. Some things, you should never ever forgive. It gives that person the idea that they can treat others like that and get away with it. I wish I'd said something, to show my friend that I was hurt so badly. I cant repair that feeling, it'll always be there. I cant look back on those awesome times together, because they were ruined by that act. They are not the same person after that. You cant be fond of a person who is clearly without morals. Some things "sorry" cant fix.

My mother had an abusive relationship, and although she can hold her head up high, and show she is still alive, she does not wish to forgive. If you asked her, she would give you that simple opinion.
Please, I'm worried for you, and I cant reach you because it just would be too awkward. I'm hoping you'll see it from my view. I dont want to have to be fretting over safety when shit like this can be prevented so damn easily. I'll reiterate, you cant trust anyone. I couldnt trust the best friend I'd ever had.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

I'm a little confused. Why do people want to associate with bad people? If a person has done something unforgiveable, and you know that, then why want to be around them? It makes them a bad person with bad morals. I dont want to be friends with anyone who has done wrong to me, no matter how small. The very instance of them doing that shows me that they are not worth my precious time.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

So, your name is? Sophie D'Urso

The person you want most says they want you, you say: Alrighty then!

How has your week been? Pretty good, =)

Do you have a bestfriend? I do indeed

Last thing you ate? a pitta bread

Has anyone touched/smacked/squeezed your ass in the past week? its very likely haha

When did you last wear makeup? Today kind sir.

Do you hate anyone? I dont hate persay, i strongly dislike.

What would you say if your last ex said they want you back? Uhm, are you high?.

Do you have feelings for the last person you kissed? Lots =).

Where is the wierdest place you’ve kissed the last person you kissed? Moustache

Have you ever:

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’ve said “I’m done trying”? Yes.

Is there a girl that you truly hate? I don’t hate.

Last time someone said I love you to you? An hour ago.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care? yeah i would care..

Have you kissed the last person you texted? yep.

Your ex is in a relationship, how do you feel about that? Good for them (Y).

Do you have a lighter on you? No but there is one in a cup on the drawers.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Yeah haha.

The person you like at the moment finds someone new, what is your reaction? I'd go bitch slap him and then skulk off.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed? course.

Do you remember the exact words that were said to end your last relationship? Uhm, actually yeah pretty much.

Whens the last time you wrote someone a letter? the other day.

Is it ever too late to apologize? yeah, you can leave it way too long and it hurts people.

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? hahah yes im pretty sure about that.

Is it possible to be JUST friends with someone you wanna be with? I dont think it is, there's too much hurt and it doesnt work properly.

Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? difficult one, I didnt fall in love, but i did fall for someone once, stupidly and it hurt more than anything in the entire world. I fell in love hard for my boyfriend and thats the best feeling in the world.

Do you believe in love? Yes, i do.

In the next 48 hours will you hang out with a guy? yeah

Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yeah 4 am this morning =).

Missing anybody? sadly yes!

Do you think the last person you kissed cares about you? i hope so!

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false? I dont think so, i appreciate what i have but it has been true once or twice.

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? many a time, im a pussy.

Do you like snakebites on a guy? no..

Would you rather pierce your tongue or lip? ew neither.

Is there any chance you will kiss the person you have feelings for? hahah yeah lots of chance.

Did you speak to your father today? I did actually.

What’s the very first thing you did when you woke up? took my tablets and snuggled into the nest of hair belonging to chris.

What are you excited about? moving into a new place, being with my other half, sleeping next to previously mentioned other half and decorating.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Chris.

Is there anyone in the room with you? no sadly..

Do you think there is someone thinking about you right now? nah hes sleeping soundly

Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you? Yeah

Your last received call, would you kiss them? yep, lots. =)

Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? yes, its fab

If you found out you were pregnant, what would happen? Panic myself into a frenzy, avoid staircases and create an alias and run away

Did you sleep alone last night? i did not.

Is there anywhere else you would rather be? Yes, with christopher.

Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name? sausage

Who is the first person in your contacts list in your phone? Aliese

Was someone else in your room when you woke up this morning? i was in someone elses room haha.

Are you currently expecting a text message from someone? No its not early.

Are you sick of relationships? Nah im quite accustomed to mine!

What do you think of girls who steal other girl’s men? I think they have no sound moral character and need a good hiding. Evil Skeevs.

Will you ever run away and get married? haha if i had the offer there, but id rather my family there with me

Do you tend to make things complicated? for myself yes

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? uhmm, not at the moment no. usually i like being told the truth, but not when it would be awkward for me.

Has anyone told you “Forever and Always” then left? uhmm kind of?!

Who was the last male you talked to today? Chris

When was the last time you really laughed? Early, there was a scarf involved.

Angry at anyone? A few people.. jesus! money isnt grown on trees!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Chris

Is it hard to make you laugh? No im a funny individual

Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? I highly doubt that.

Will your next kiss be a mistake? no it wont.

How late did you stay up last night? not very. i was sleepy

What if your boyfriend/ girlfriend went through your cellphone? I wouldnt mind, i usually ask him to answer my texts for me im lazy.

Do you pay with cash, credit/debit, or checks most often? card, im a student, and therefore cannot be trusted with cash, plastic doesnt feel like your losing money either

Your friend is pregnant - you say? WTF GIRRRRRL

Thursday, 7 January 2010

I am going to start writing my essays after this, but I needed to write. I am trying not to be excited about moving out into my own flat, because I dont want to jinx it.. but I am totally awesomely excited! I have been waiting for this for so so long, to have my own space, and my own life. I cant wait!

Went to the doctors today, nearly fell over three times in the ice.. I hate that feeling. But I got there and back, and even went to Tesco for chicken and lightbulbs. I succeeded and am now in warm of my house, watching some Law and Order, because its just too good! I'm wearing my deerstalker hat and I have a blanket over me, so I'm quite toasty. The doctor was great today, havent met him before but he actually made some time for me to chat to him and I felt in town minds when I left; teary because someone had made some time to talk and also to make me feel better but also teary because, well I dont know. But still the good part was the bigger part, so that was nice. AND I've finally got my inhaler, two days without it and my chest has been so so tight. Could barely breathe last night.. but I was fine afterwards. Chris was off work yesterday, so we watched Coraline and Inglorious Basterds. Coraline was great, but Inglorious Basterds.. I wasnt too taken with. I wouldnt say I disliked it, but I didnt like it either honestly.

Just waiting for him to come home today, safely! I hate this weather, I mean it looks great and its pretty, but its so dangerous to be driving about on the ice. My area hasnt been gritted, so it makes it hard to travel about, unless you walk to the main roads.

Right, must plough on!

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Sitting in the living room in my student house, I'm a bit lonely, but I am attempting to make time pass. I should be sorting these essays out, I am NOT doing another all nighter, no way. I make myself ill doing stupid things like that.
I need to tidy my bed room, seeing as thats my main living space, and its the size of a match box.. but we are going to see a flat on friday, and also next friday after that, pretty excited about it, hopefully we'll have the money for the bond. and the first months rent. =( im worried about it, and seeing as my contract ends in Feb, and I dont have anywhere to go after that, its pretty important. The agency fees are a problem too. I might have to borrow the money, but i dont know where from.. I'm pretty stressed about it. And these essays, and the Fayre coming up.

I'm looking forward to the vintage fayre, I havent done nearly enough, and I dont think things will definitely sell.. I dont know what price to put on my drawings or embroidery. Siobhan is powering through the jewellery making, and has sold one already! I'm thinking I'll do the essays during the day and embroidery through the evening. I really wish I had a job. I've been applying but no answers yet. I'm hoping I dont have to sell anything to get the money for the bond. Hopefully, I'll have it all by the end of Feb. I'm relying on the bond from this house and also my loan. We're aiming for something much lower than 450 now, and we're really interested in the basement flat near to Rohan's flat, mainly cos its not a bad area to be in and near to town for transport to uni.

I'm definitely hating the recession, I have jewellery I could sell, but no one to sell it to. Maybe ebay would be a good call. I dont really have anything thats of value.. I'm a student!
I am praying (not literally) for a miracle.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Happy New Year

Its the first of January, and it doesnt exactly feel different but its nice all the same. I've vegged out all day, and I feel the worst for doing that. I should've actually done something to shake off last night's dust. I either have a cold, or allergies to high heavens again.. either way, I feel like my head is full of cotton wool and my sinuses are itching like crazy. I want to scratch them.

I miss Glassjaw. Makes me think of when I was younger, but not how I used to feel. Just how I'd put on the first album and be immersed in it. Makes me happy to listen to them, I totally would kill to see them live, I still feel as passionate about this band as I did 6 years ago. I thought it was just impossible to catch them, as he couldnt deal with the strain of touring, but here they are, touring again, finally. It gives me a keen sense of longing, which is funny because I remember listening with my Volcom jeans, and a polo shirt and stupidly long fringe thinking "Yeah this is what I'm talking about!" and I feel the same as then, only I'm not wearing that daft outfit!
Its nice to be reminded of that, and my humble beginnings. haha

I feel like New Year's started out wrong, I wasnt expecting it to be perfect by any stretch, never is when I have a drink. But that said, the behaviour of some girls I noticed, was shocking! And not just towards me, but I'm not going into that, other than to say I do not like my personal space to be invaded, and it makes me uncomfortable. Obviously, people dont know this about me unless they know me well, but nonetheless, still bothers me greatly, and I wont justify myself, because I dont have to.
I just think that this day and age, we can get along. Its not like it was when we were younger, and naive. We didnt know what was correct behaviour then, and jealousy prevailed over all. I do admit that I get bitten by that green eyed monster from time to time, but not enough to be outspoken about it, you just have to swallow it, and by God, its bitter, but its human nature and something we all have to deal with. That confident girl, may not be so confident on the inside. That fashionable girl, may just be dressing to suit others. And maybe, that shy girl, maybe she is not so shy, but arrogant and aloof.
We cant tell. Even online, we cant be ourselves. Inevitably, someone will read it, after we've ranted and raved about a bad day and have a bad impression, or judge our behaviour, without prior knowledge of us as people. We have to project an image that suits us. I cannot be as honest as I'd like on here, but its as close as I can get. We all keep things to ourselves, and perhaps some more things should be kept to yourself, if you know it would hurt someone, or that you are saying or doing something to intentionally hurt another.

I resent that today, in this day and age, girls are enemies of each other, any girl you dont know, that you may think "She looks popular" or "Her dress sense is good" about, we tend to automatically dislike them, for their attributes. For things we see as lacking in ourselves. And I hate it. I hate that ex girlfriends and current girlfriends and everyone in between, is spoiling for a fight. Maybe out of insecurity, the new girlfriend feels second best, because the other girl was "there first". Maybe out of insecurity, the ex feels inadequate because the boy no longer feels that way about her and her feelings have been replaced. Either way, there is no room for discussion and automatic animosity is there. It seems ingrained. I hope it isnt. I am guilty of feeling inadequate when seeing an ex girlfriend, because I see her as pretty. It makes my stomach turn and stirs up horrible feelings, when its the opposite of how I want to feel or even should feel. I dont like that about myself, I dont have much confidence, and I know it shows a lot to others. I'm not the girl that hides the insecurities and pretends she loves herself and acts arrogant, because I dont know how to do that, and I'd resent myself for pretending to be who I am not.

I do find it difficult not to jump to my friend's defences if they dislike another person. But a good comment was made yesterday, about not blaming the misinformed. Blame the person who lied in the first place. Its difficult to abide by, especially if that person has hurt you, but maybe they werent to blame.
Other than that, if they were informed, then blame away, they deserve that. I will always side with my friends, because I feel that need to nurse their broken hearts, and I love them dearly. I havent had close friends in a long while. I felt wistful last night. But I'm ready to make those friends, if I can get over my shyness. I babble and say too much when I'm nervous, there is a chance of me saying something that I didnt want to say, or to come out. It happens and I feel so embarrassed. Its hard to make close friends when they cant know certain things about you, it feels like lying to them. And I hate that. I dont want to hide things, but I have to. I dont want the pity party, and I'm happy with the person that helps me carry the burden. He's strong enough to do it without sharing the load with others.
I sometimes want to come clean about everything, to tell someone, but to do so feels risky.

I was told that talking of my relationship and my moving out with an other was embarrassing, so I will stick to terms of me moving out, not anyone else, so to save embarrassment, I honestly didnt mean for it to come across like that, certainly. For that I apologise.



I

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Christmas was fun, I had a lot of money to contribute to the flat, and I'm so pleased. I have my very own iron and new tea towels with cupcakes on! And Dad bought me a hard drive.. so excited haha

Spending some time with my nan and granch, he is sleeping because we've decided to watch Top Gear and he hates Richard Hammond. haha on a related note, I once had a dream that I was a mouse and Richard Hammond stole my wedding dress. I have no idea why I had that dream, but it was funny when I woke up.
I am thinking seriously about emmigrating eventually. I would very much like to live in North America or indeed Canada. Beautiful houses, and some land, for some chickens and some duckies. That is all. Oh and of course some dogs.


Oh AND. I'd just like to say, My carbon footprint is miniscule, I recycle everything and also I recycle food that is left over to contribute to compost. I walk to almost all places, and I use public transport, I do not own a car and I havent flown in a plane for 5 years and have only flown on 3 occasions. DO NOT give me grief over the environment, I am a model citizen. I do not expect to be berated about the Earth, and what I'm doing about the climate change. I am happy to eat meat and enjoy it. I do enough and more for the Earth. I do my best. Sigh.