Happy New Year

Its the first of January, and it doesnt exactly feel different but its nice all the same. I've vegged out all day, and I feel the worst for doing that. I should've actually done something to shake off last night's dust. I either have a cold, or allergies to high heavens again.. either way, I feel like my head is full of cotton wool and my sinuses are itching like crazy. I want to scratch them.

I miss Glassjaw. Makes me think of when I was younger, but not how I used to feel. Just how I'd put on the first album and be immersed in it. Makes me happy to listen to them, I totally would kill to see them live, I still feel as passionate about this band as I did 6 years ago. I thought it was just impossible to catch them, as he couldnt deal with the strain of touring, but here they are, touring again, finally. It gives me a keen sense of longing, which is funny because I remember listening with my Volcom jeans, and a polo shirt and stupidly long fringe thinking "Yeah this is what I'm talking about!" and I feel the same as then, only I'm not wearing that daft outfit!
Its nice to be reminded of that, and my humble beginnings. haha

I feel like New Year's started out wrong, I wasnt expecting it to be perfect by any stretch, never is when I have a drink. But that said, the behaviour of some girls I noticed, was shocking! And not just towards me, but I'm not going into that, other than to say I do not like my personal space to be invaded, and it makes me uncomfortable. Obviously, people dont know this about me unless they know me well, but nonetheless, still bothers me greatly, and I wont justify myself, because I dont have to.
I just think that this day and age, we can get along. Its not like it was when we were younger, and naive. We didnt know what was correct behaviour then, and jealousy prevailed over all. I do admit that I get bitten by that green eyed monster from time to time, but not enough to be outspoken about it, you just have to swallow it, and by God, its bitter, but its human nature and something we all have to deal with. That confident girl, may not be so confident on the inside. That fashionable girl, may just be dressing to suit others. And maybe, that shy girl, maybe she is not so shy, but arrogant and aloof.
We cant tell. Even online, we cant be ourselves. Inevitably, someone will read it, after we've ranted and raved about a bad day and have a bad impression, or judge our behaviour, without prior knowledge of us as people. We have to project an image that suits us. I cannot be as honest as I'd like on here, but its as close as I can get. We all keep things to ourselves, and perhaps some more things should be kept to yourself, if you know it would hurt someone, or that you are saying or doing something to intentionally hurt another.

I resent that today, in this day and age, girls are enemies of each other, any girl you dont know, that you may think "She looks popular" or "Her dress sense is good" about, we tend to automatically dislike them, for their attributes. For things we see as lacking in ourselves. And I hate it. I hate that ex girlfriends and current girlfriends and everyone in between, is spoiling for a fight. Maybe out of insecurity, the new girlfriend feels second best, because the other girl was "there first". Maybe out of insecurity, the ex feels inadequate because the boy no longer feels that way about her and her feelings have been replaced. Either way, there is no room for discussion and automatic animosity is there. It seems ingrained. I hope it isnt. I am guilty of feeling inadequate when seeing an ex girlfriend, because I see her as pretty. It makes my stomach turn and stirs up horrible feelings, when its the opposite of how I want to feel or even should feel. I dont like that about myself, I dont have much confidence, and I know it shows a lot to others. I'm not the girl that hides the insecurities and pretends she loves herself and acts arrogant, because I dont know how to do that, and I'd resent myself for pretending to be who I am not.

I do find it difficult not to jump to my friend's defences if they dislike another person. But a good comment was made yesterday, about not blaming the misinformed. Blame the person who lied in the first place. Its difficult to abide by, especially if that person has hurt you, but maybe they werent to blame.
Other than that, if they were informed, then blame away, they deserve that. I will always side with my friends, because I feel that need to nurse their broken hearts, and I love them dearly. I havent had close friends in a long while. I felt wistful last night. But I'm ready to make those friends, if I can get over my shyness. I babble and say too much when I'm nervous, there is a chance of me saying something that I didnt want to say, or to come out. It happens and I feel so embarrassed. Its hard to make close friends when they cant know certain things about you, it feels like lying to them. And I hate that. I dont want to hide things, but I have to. I dont want the pity party, and I'm happy with the person that helps me carry the burden. He's strong enough to do it without sharing the load with others.
I sometimes want to come clean about everything, to tell someone, but to do so feels risky.

I was told that talking of my relationship and my moving out with an other was embarrassing, so I will stick to terms of me moving out, not anyone else, so to save embarrassment, I honestly didnt mean for it to come across like that, certainly. For that I apologise.



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