Christmas was fun, I had a lot of money to contribute to the flat, and I'm so pleased. I have my very own iron and new tea towels with cupcakes on! And Dad bought me a hard drive.. so excited haha

Spending some time with my nan and granch, he is sleeping because we've decided to watch Top Gear and he hates Richard Hammond. haha on a related note, I once had a dream that I was a mouse and Richard Hammond stole my wedding dress. I have no idea why I had that dream, but it was funny when I woke up.
I am thinking seriously about emmigrating eventually. I would very much like to live in North America or indeed Canada. Beautiful houses, and some land, for some chickens and some duckies. That is all. Oh and of course some dogs.


Oh AND. I'd just like to say, My carbon footprint is miniscule, I recycle everything and also I recycle food that is left over to contribute to compost. I walk to almost all places, and I use public transport, I do not own a car and I havent flown in a plane for 5 years and have only flown on 3 occasions. DO NOT give me grief over the environment, I am a model citizen. I do not expect to be berated about the Earth, and what I'm doing about the climate change. I am happy to eat meat and enjoy it. I do enough and more for the Earth. I do my best. Sigh.

to clarify...

I had a massive rant earlier..
When I said about people liking bands I've never heard about.. I meant the people who lord it over others. Like for example.. "OMG you dont know THESE!? Where HAVE YOU BEEEEN?!" (said in a mean way)
And I did not mean "Hey have you heard these guys? No? Well I think you'd really like them!" (said in a nice, share-my-interests way) I like that, I like knowing about new music, I do not like feeling like I'm a loser or not knowing an obscure band.

I have eclectic tastes, so I know about random stuff but I dont think others are less "cool" than me because they dont get what I'm laughing about.

Right, NOW I'm done. I'm such a grouch. haha

I'm currently sat in the sun, a patch of sun that is usually reserved for cats, but there are no cats, just me! So I'm warming myself.. watching some television. man.... I swear the dog just laughed at Scrubs hahahah I seriously think that just happened.

Ahhh, I'm glad I'm young and free. And not feeling like I am tied down, I am looking forward to the future, and thinking about moving to foreign lands!

Slightly irritated

Slightly irritated today. Relaxing and whatnot, but Christmas is soon and this is good. I just cant wait to have my own damn space. Its seriously annoying to have to depend on other people, and to have to deal with people's crap, when they really dont have a clue. Rant over.

I'm looking forward to Christmas, but I'm going to need super inhaler time! I'm staying with my mother as well on Boxing Day night. Which is obscure, but otherwise its on a blow up bed, and I'm not great with those for 2 nights straight. So thats sorted!

Still need to do some drawings, i've done a few, and I need to make frames etc but toher than that, its on track, I dont have them with me at Chris's house, but I think I should get them from my student house, and keep going. I dont know if they'll actually sell. But hey, its worth a try I guess. We sorted out our spare change yesterday, we had 35 pounds and 83 pence in change! haha and the extra 25 pound I'd saved, its a good amount to go towards the flat money. I mean, its not huge but at least its something towards it.

I'm kinda feeling a bit defeated, I'm not one to bitch, and I'm not one to keep things to myself, but in this case, I dont think it would make a difference if I even said anything. I really dont like the whole weird fashionable thing at the moment, with being so superficial. Whatever happened to being your own person? I'm so sick of seeing kids dress the same, act the same, and seemingly trying to find the most obscure thing to be interested in, which ironically is the SAME thing their friends are interested in. Bands you've never heard of, obscure references you've never heard of. Its not that I live under a rock, they just seem to try so so hard to be "different" and yet stay the same in their little groups.

I liked it when ids didnt try so hard, when they actually smiled for once, not fake smiled. When we all made friends easily, not got looked up and down for not wearing the correct attire. Its bullshit. Does this shit matter? No. I think we're all old enough to get a grip to be honest.

I've also noticed how kids go to uni to socialise, not actually get a degree. Weird. I thought that was what uni was for. Friends are a lucky bonus, but I'd rather concentrate on my education. Thanks.

STARZ

Going out to Le Pub tonight, seeing some people that I like to hang with =) no drinking though. Especially for Chris, who has made my entire top floor of my house smell like pure ethanol just by being present haha.. oh my. Bless him.

He came in and wobbled and said "BEAR! I wanna marry yoooou" I looked in disbelief and said "no you're just drunk bear"
he replied "no no no, SOBER MOMENT NOW. I'll tell you when I'm sober in the morning too!"

Needless to say, it was NOT a sober moment hahaha and indeed I was correct. He becomes Mr Commitment when he's drunk, its quite sweet. Except when he's standing in the bathroom saying ""WHERE AM I!?" (In the bathroom) "BUT WHERE!!" (In my house) "WHERE IS THAT!?" (cardiff!) "oh yeah..... HANG ON WHERE AM I AGAIN!?" and so on. haha it was amusing to say the least, I wish I had taken pictures. I'm really happy he had a good time, because he's needed it for a long long time.

I'm packing up some stuff right now, to take to Chris's house so I can stay there for a while. =) It'll be a welcome change to see him everyday, I shall feel thoroughly spoilt!

I want some fruit tea... hopefully there'll be something on tv, and I may take a bath.
Today is a total washout BUT I get a whole 2 weeks with my beautiful boy and I am STOKED.
We are going shopping tomorrow for christmas presents ( I am getting a pretty ring =) )

I think what I am going to do is....

go downstairs and turn on tv.
Boil kettle
Have mackerel on toast.
Perhaps some icecream
Clean the kitchen
Get in the bath
Put on more jammies
And then I may have to fill some hours yet, but its a start isnt it?

I totally wish I had a works event to go to.. booooo for unemployment.

How does one become a teacher?

I've been secretly playing about with that idea for a long while, I havent even told Chris, I'm a little embarrassed because it doesnt sound like me to want to do that sort of thing..

I always thought I'd just end up working doing something that hauls in money, but I want to do something that benefits people. And as much as I have protested in the past, that I'm no fan of children, I'm finding that I actually quite like them. Especially the little ones. Smaller packages, with less issues. I dont know what I'd do if I met a kid who was as terrible to deal with as I was when I was in school. But the little ones, I get on with. My sister Libby, shes one cool kid, she's so smart and funny. And I like chatting to her, even though she is a mere seven years of age. She has a lot to say!

I may look into teaching.

eeeeeeeeeeeee!

Aloneeee

I'm on my own again today, boooooooo. I hate being lonely. I have nothing to do. Apart from those essays. But seriously, so so boring. I'm not sure of how to write them either, seeing as I missed the tutorials due to being ill. I need to chat to Tim or Alex to tell me how to start the damn things.

Tomorrow is going to suck, Chris is out til late in the night, for a work's christmas event thing. Which is totally awesome, cos he deserves the time to relax and have a good time! But I'm used to being picked up at like 3 and then hanging out with him.. so I'll be on my own longer for tomorrow and I've read all my damn books. Bleh. I'll have to figure out SOMETHING to do. What I need is glue, some card, more embroidery thread, some seed beads, and felt. Oh and batteries for my tiny sewing machine. Then I could get adequately occupied. I'm so all over the place when its comes to concentrating. I'm a bit rubbish at it really, I need someone to push me in the right direction.. I used to be pretty good, but I think my tablets make me a bit scatter brained. My concentration is shot and I forget a lot of things. But nothing I cant deal with.

I want to do some embroidery. Oh and I ALSO need some plain cloth, to stitch on.. I've got some nice quotes to stitch. And I just want to get it done. Need to borrow some money from Chris for my craft supplies, I have literally NOTHING. Booooo!

Breakfast

I'm eating croissants. They are clearly are the breakfast of Kings! Well, I hvae no actual idea if Kings eat them. But they should.
Listening to Ingrid Michaelson. Oh, I love this woman. She sings the songs of my heart, I swear it.
Just working on my ideas of the Fashionable Af'fayre on the 9th of Jan.. me and Siobhan are procurring a stall and will attempt to sell our wares. I've got two essays to write... And I just do not want to do them. I hardly ever get a creative surge as of late, I kind of dont want to stop myself while I feel like it. Cos the wind could change and I could get lazy again. And that is no fun.

I know I should kind of put uni first, but creativity is so so important to me, and I think its good for me as a person, damnit!

So there.

=D

NEED

TEA CUPS. My life would be amazing with tea cups and saucers!

DIRGE

My my my, yesterday was a downer! Hmmm, lets getback up to scratch... I'm not impressed with myself for yesterday's posts. But it was good to get them out!

I had a dream last night/this morning, that I was hanging out with an old friend again. Just doing old friend stuff. This cant happen in real life, we dont speak anymore, but I woke up feeling kind of wistful. On any other day, I'd use the word "hate" for this person. But there was no hate in my dream. Maybe it was subconscious, and I just want the horrible things to go away, not actually my friend back. But still, really weird.

Last night was a bit sketchy, I didnt sleep too well, except when Chris was spooning me, but he gets uncomfortable and doesnt know where to put his arm that he's lying on.. so he moves. And then I lose the sleepy comfy space. I woke up to him rubbing my tummy, because I must have been making squeaky worried puppy noises in my sleep again, apparently I do that when I'm having a bad dream. My hero!

I cooked stir fry last night, it wasnt as nice as usual, but Chris really enjoyed it so that's kind of all that matters really. I concern myself with cooking a good meal for my working man! And I made lunch too last night, so we wouldnt have to fuss with it later on in the evening. He did all my washing up though, so we're totally even.

I love that we can stay in the same house for ages and not get annoyed. I consider it "flat practice", getting ready for the big move in February. I'm so excited. I didnt think he'd ever want to move in with me, but hey, here we are! =) I adore that boy, he's such a sweetie pie to me. And he's gorgeous to boot, so that's a fantastic bonus! =P

I think I'm happy. What a strrrrrange concept!

Family

Sometimes, I read things about family on the internet. Anything really, posts on what people did over the holidays etc, blogs like postcardsfromyomomma.com..

It fills me up with a sad sad sense of longing. Like I can actually feel the empty space. I don't know why I distance myself so much, I think some things cannot be fixed for me, they'll always be broken. I want to move on from that, move on from the longing. I don't feel all the family orientated. I feel like I needed some people when I was younger, and they weren't there for me. And I can't let that fact go. I can't let that bitterness go. I honestly think I will be able to when I have my own family. Chris told me once that he thought that I'd be a good mother because I think too much about things, and my child could be my focus rather than everything else. I have a lot of love to give, and he said that I would give all my attention to my child.
I'd like to think he's right about that, it's quite sweet that he said that too.

What I want most in the world, is a Georgian or Victorian house, with bumps and quirks, to fill full of my wonderful clutter, and photographs like my nan does. In this house, I'd like a grey dwarf rabbit, named after my original favourite rabbit, Binny, that I would keep in the house. I also would like a miniature short haired dachshund called Buttons. Chris wants a German shephard called Max, and I'm than happy to oblige. That would be my family. I think I could feel happy then.

I strongly believe that I wouldnt need so much medication if I felt settled. I dont feel settled at all at the moment. I feel like I dont belong anywhere and it makes me feel so so sick. I want to place my things somewhere and have that as my home. I havent had a home in years, not one I would consider my home. It's never felt like home to me at all.

I think I've gone way past feeling like I belong with family. I appreciate them a lot, and I know they love me, and I adore them. But this thing I have, this burden I carry, I can't let them shoulder it. The truth is, I'm a nightmare to be with, I can't function correctly without distraction. I need something to keep me occupied, otherwise I will almost certainly crawl into myself and withdraw away from everyone.

People haven't always been understanding about my certain problems. And I don't want them to be, because it is something I have to deal with myself. But saying this, I have a wonderful man that no matter how hard I try, always takes my problems and carries them for me for a while. I try and hide them and deal with it alone, but he won't allow me to be alone with myself. I have explained myself in bare detail to him and he never once turned away from me. I don't know that others would do this, but I can't take a risk as big as that. I really think I have a shot at getting better. Especially with him by my side, I can't go wrong. He won't let me stumble. It feels good to have someone to hold you up when you haven't got the strength.

I met him just at the moment where I took a massive nosedive, and he's been helping me ever since. It feels like learning to use your limbs after you've woken up after an accident. Learning to walk again. I have a lot to say about Love. Because I owe my life to it. At least I know my heart still works correctly.

I've vowed no tot get involved in family rucktions, because I don't need the extra stress it causes. Sleepless nights in Swansea have taught me that, the torn feeling I had, whether I shoul be here or there, it wrenched me near apart. I can't do it again. I don't have the strength to carry the burdens of theirs. They have to sort it out themselves, and if they don't, then I have no opinion on the matter.
I'm glad to be rid of old rubbish, and glad that I never again have to deal with that man. He is nothing to me anymore, he controlled everyone way too much for way too long. It felt good to shrug off that layer. Our family links are ruined because of him, and we're working on repairing them again. Christmas is still going about it's normal routine, but only this time, I have all the time in the world, and I don't have to hear about him on that day.

Allergies

My allergies hve surfaced randomly. I think it may have something to do with me crawling under the bed to fish out my craft things.. mega dusty under there, should've gotten Chris to do it when he gets home.

Listening to Laura Marling, as recommended by Siobhan. It's a treat to be able to hear my music for once, and something with meaning. My housemates have a penchant for dance music. Which has it's place in the world, but not at ear splitting levels. That belongs in clubs. Not my house.

I realised the things I thought I'd never have, I'm going to get one day. I used to be so sad abot my future, so much that my heart hurt. There's something so tragic about thinking that all your dreams won't come true. But today, I smiled to myself, because I think, now, it's likely I'll be able to live out my wishes and dreams. Have my perfect house, my dogs and rabbit and my partner. I'll be able to have a room for art, crafts and the like. I want an open studio where the light pours in, so I can draw and sew in the late afternoon with the sun. I guess that can't happen in the UK, I'm kind of aiming for Canada. I used to want to live in Sweden, but I don't think clinical depression would mix too well with months of darkness. The summers are beautiful, but I don't think I could deal with the winters.

I'm moving into a flat in February, we're holding out for something awesome. We found one, but I don't think we're in love with it, as both of us said "What if we put down a payment and something else turns up!?" I believe that's a pretty good indicator that we aren't head over heels. I want to be passionate about where I love, not dismissive. And we both have so much clutter, the flat was just too small. And I love my clutter, even if it is useless, which the majority of it is, I can't let it go.

I'm working on some illustrations for me and Siobhan's stall, so I can make some money to go towards the flat expenses! I'll be stitching some cross stitches too but I need some help coming up with ideas etc.. so I'm putting that on hold at the moment.