Family

Sometimes, I read things about family on the internet. Anything really, posts on what people did over the holidays etc, blogs like postcardsfromyomomma.com..

It fills me up with a sad sad sense of longing. Like I can actually feel the empty space. I don't know why I distance myself so much, I think some things cannot be fixed for me, they'll always be broken. I want to move on from that, move on from the longing. I don't feel all the family orientated. I feel like I needed some people when I was younger, and they weren't there for me. And I can't let that fact go. I can't let that bitterness go. I honestly think I will be able to when I have my own family. Chris told me once that he thought that I'd be a good mother because I think too much about things, and my child could be my focus rather than everything else. I have a lot of love to give, and he said that I would give all my attention to my child.
I'd like to think he's right about that, it's quite sweet that he said that too.

What I want most in the world, is a Georgian or Victorian house, with bumps and quirks, to fill full of my wonderful clutter, and photographs like my nan does. In this house, I'd like a grey dwarf rabbit, named after my original favourite rabbit, Binny, that I would keep in the house. I also would like a miniature short haired dachshund called Buttons. Chris wants a German shephard called Max, and I'm than happy to oblige. That would be my family. I think I could feel happy then.

I strongly believe that I wouldnt need so much medication if I felt settled. I dont feel settled at all at the moment. I feel like I dont belong anywhere and it makes me feel so so sick. I want to place my things somewhere and have that as my home. I havent had a home in years, not one I would consider my home. It's never felt like home to me at all.

I think I've gone way past feeling like I belong with family. I appreciate them a lot, and I know they love me, and I adore them. But this thing I have, this burden I carry, I can't let them shoulder it. The truth is, I'm a nightmare to be with, I can't function correctly without distraction. I need something to keep me occupied, otherwise I will almost certainly crawl into myself and withdraw away from everyone.

People haven't always been understanding about my certain problems. And I don't want them to be, because it is something I have to deal with myself. But saying this, I have a wonderful man that no matter how hard I try, always takes my problems and carries them for me for a while. I try and hide them and deal with it alone, but he won't allow me to be alone with myself. I have explained myself in bare detail to him and he never once turned away from me. I don't know that others would do this, but I can't take a risk as big as that. I really think I have a shot at getting better. Especially with him by my side, I can't go wrong. He won't let me stumble. It feels good to have someone to hold you up when you haven't got the strength.

I met him just at the moment where I took a massive nosedive, and he's been helping me ever since. It feels like learning to use your limbs after you've woken up after an accident. Learning to walk again. I have a lot to say about Love. Because I owe my life to it. At least I know my heart still works correctly.

I've vowed no tot get involved in family rucktions, because I don't need the extra stress it causes. Sleepless nights in Swansea have taught me that, the torn feeling I had, whether I shoul be here or there, it wrenched me near apart. I can't do it again. I don't have the strength to carry the burdens of theirs. They have to sort it out themselves, and if they don't, then I have no opinion on the matter.
I'm glad to be rid of old rubbish, and glad that I never again have to deal with that man. He is nothing to me anymore, he controlled everyone way too much for way too long. It felt good to shrug off that layer. Our family links are ruined because of him, and we're working on repairing them again. Christmas is still going about it's normal routine, but only this time, I have all the time in the world, and I don't have to hear about him on that day.